How to write a message to someone with cancer: Advice from people with experience.
You don't need the perfect words or grand gestures to show you care. We asked people with cancer to share what really helped (and didn't!) when they were diagnosed.
"I would rather someone said, 'I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you', than say nothing at all. You don't need the perfect words." - Lisa
Finding the words to write
If you know someone who has been recently diagnosed with cancer, and you want to reach out, it can be hard to know what to say. It can be even harder if you're writing something down.
You might want to:
- Write a card or letter: Handwritten notes can be especially meaningful for the person you're writing to, but you may worry about what to write.
- Write a text message: Text messages and other messaging services such as Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp, are a quick way to let someone know you're thinking of them. When you message the person, let them know they do not need to reply straight away. You could say something like, "I want you to know I'm thinking of you, but please don't feel you have to reply." This way, you're not putting any pressure on them..
Whatever it is you're writing, we want to help you find the words. We asked people with cancer to share their advice to help you write a message to someone with cancer.
We hope their experiences help you put pen to paper.
Thank you so much to Charlotte, Denzil, Greta, Lisa, Mev, Nicky, Sharon, and Wendy for sharing your experiences and advice.
Writing something imperfect is better than nothing at all.
It can be hard to know how to start writing a letter to someone you care about with cancer, when you’re faced with a blank page. It might feel better to not send anything rather than risk getting it wrong, but whether it's a card, a letter, or a text message, the most important thing is to send it.
Mev was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in 2018. It has since spread to her ovaries, peritoneal area, vagina, bladder and lungs and is now incurable. Here she shares her biggest piece of advice for anyone who knows someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer.
"If someone reading this has a friend, family member or colleague who has just been diagnosed with cancer, my biggest piece of advice would be:
Don’t be afraid of getting it wrong. Don’t disappear because you don’t know what to say. You don’t need to have the right words. You don’t need to know exactly what to do. You don’t need to make someone feel positive all the time or try to fix what they’re going through. Just stay."
Lisa has been diagnosed with cancer five times since 2016. It began with kidney cancer which then spread to her lung twice, followed by bowel cancer and most recently breast cancer. Here she shares how powerful a message to show you're thinking of someone can be.
"I know sometimes people didn't know what to say, but I would have much rather someone said, 'I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you', than say nothing at all. You don’t need to have the perfect words.
Don't disappear. You might be frightened and not know what to say, but the person who has been diagnosed will be too. You don’t need to have the answers, and you don’t need to pretend everything will be fine.
Just be there. Remember birthdays, appointments and important dates. Send a message just to say you’re thinking about them, even if they don’t always reply."
Greta from Birmingham was diagnosed with germ cell ovarian cancer in February 2022 when she was 28 years old. She shares how hard it can be when people go quiet.
"I had someone completely ignore me when I sent them a message to let them know about my diagnosis. When I saw them months later, they said they didn't reply because they didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to handle it either, but I had no choice! It's okay to say you don't have the words but let us know you're still thinking of us."
Don't wait to be asked. Tell someone how you can help.
When someone you care about has cancer, it's natural to want to try and help. Rather than writing something like "I'm here for whatever you need", try being more specific in just how you could help them. If you could take them to appointments, help with the food shop, drop the children off to school, tell them the things you could do to help lighten the load for them.
Life doesn't stop when someone is diagnosed with cancer, but it can be hard to ask for help. It's a lot easier to accept support when it's clear what help is on offer.
Greta shared how offering a specific way you can help can take the mental load off the person you're writing to.
"Saying 'Just let me know if you need anything' but never actually doing anything to help is actually really unhelpful. Take the mental load off me and offer something specific instead.
It could be a lift to the hospital, cooking a meal, or simply coming to sit with me and chatting. It doesn't need to be anything grand, the little things help."
Nicky, a mum of two from Belfast was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and the rare disease amyloidosis in August 2022. She shares how much it meant when people didn't wait to be asked.
"The people that were there for me just did things rather than asking or saying, 'if you need me you know where I am'. I’ve got a habit of trying to cope on my own and struggle asking for help, but that help when I hadn’t asked not only meant the world but helped me not overexert myself to the detriment of my health.
The friends that helped me the most were the ones that just helped out with general day-to-day tasks, and didn't wait for me to ask them for their support. It's easy to say to someone that you'll be there if you need them, but it made such a difference when people just help without asking."
Cancer isn't their new identity. Treat them like them.
It's important not to make everything about cancer. When writing to someone, you could suggest ways to spend time together that don't focus on cancer or the day-to-day reality of appointments and treatment. You could also send them a text about something you've seen or read that you know they like or that reminds you of them, just to let them know you're thinking of them.
Charlotte from Hitchin, Hertfordshire was diagnosed with Endometrial Stromal Sarcoma in 2018 when she was 26 years old. She told us how it made a real difference when her friends suggested things to do the things that they've always enjoyed doing together.
"What helped more than people probably realised was just normality. Friends who weren't afraid to suggest things. Shall we do a movie night? Shall we go for a walk? People who kept making plans and kept including me.
Not ignoring what was happening but not making every interaction about it either. Just talking about normal stuff, having things to look forward to, that mattered more than I can really explain."
Lisa also shared how important it is to be able to laugh, talk rubbish, and feel a sense of normality.
"What made the biggest difference was being treated like me, rather than like “the woman with cancer”. There were times when I desperately needed normality - to laugh, have a cup of tea, talk rubbish and forget about cancer for a little while."
What not to write. Things you might want to avoid.
When trying to decide what to write, the biggest worry is writing the wrong thing and unintentionally upsetting someone. While writing something imperfect is better than nothing at all, it can help to know what to avoid. Wendy, Mev, Denzil, Charlotte, and Sharon share their advice on some of the things that may be less helpful to write.
Wendy lives in South West Wales with her two dogs and rescue cat. Wendy was diagnosed with Grade 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in November 2025. She shares how unhelpful she found it when people told her how strong she is.
"I really do not find being told ‘you are strong’ helpful at all. Feels like a standard thing people not affected by cancer say as they don’t know what else to say.
I would have preferred them to be honest and say look I know nothing about this, so will you tell me what you need that would be far more helpful."
Mev reminds us how important it is to let someone be sad and remind them that you're here.
"One thing I’ve found difficult is the expectation that I should always 'stay positive'.
There have been times when I’ve been suffering because of treatment, recovering from operations, exhausted, frightened, emotional or simply having a really awful day.
Sometimes you need to be allowed to feel sad. Rather than telling somebody with cancer to “stay positive” or assuming they’ll be fine after treatment, sometimes the most helpful thing is simply to say:
'It’s okay. You don’t have to be okay today. I’m here.'”
Denzil was diagnosed with colon cancer in July 2022. Here he shares how people talking in a negative way did not help him.
"On occasion, a couple of my friends whom I love dearly would be talking to me in what I felt was a negative way, which was unhelpful to say the least.
Motivation and energy are extremely important to me, and when I have friends in front of me or on the phone speaking to me with negativity, it is just not what I wanted to hear."
Charlotte shares how being offered advice you didn't ask for can be challenging.
"Unsolicited advice and opinions were something I found hard at times.
It's usually well meaning, and often the information itself is valuable, but there's a timing to it.
We already have so much going on, and we have to reach certain places on our own timeline, the initial news of a diagnosis is extremely overwhelming."
Sharon from Cambridgeshire, was diagnosed in July 2023 with HER 2 positive inflammatory breast cancer and went on to have a double mastectomy after chemotherapy. She also reminds us how hard it can be to be told things like 'stay positive' when you're having a really hard time.
"Unfortunately, another thing that was usually said was ‘you’ve got to keep positive’ or ‘but you were so positive last week’ after asking how I was feeling, if I revealed that it was a rough night, or I was a bit weepy or tired.
I had to explain that I could feel differently depending on when I had had chemo as it has a cycle of side effects that affect mood."
When cancer shows up, don't go quiet.
Whatever you write, the fact you have written something at all is what matters most.
So send something. A card, a text, whatever feels right. If you're not sure what to say, say that. And if you can offer something practical, like a lift to an appointment, be specific about it, because it is much easier to accept help when you know what is on offer.
The message doesn't have to be about cancer either. Sometimes the best message is just something that made you think of them.
Cancer is hard enough. No one should have to face it alone. If you would like to talk things through, we are here. You can:
- Call the Macmillan Support Line for free on 0808 808 00 00.
- Chat to a specialist online.
- Visit the Online Community to talk with people who have been affected by cancer, share your experience, and ask an expert your questions.
The people on this page shared their advice and experiences as part of Macmillan's Fair Cancer Care campaign. We’re bringing together the people who know cancer best - from healthcare professionals and community groups to our partners, volunteers, supporters and our own experts - to help make cancer care better for everyone.
Together, we can make cancer care fair.
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