Talking to children of different ages and stages

The information in this section is general - each child will have different needs at each stage. You and your children may have similar feelings and emotions.

Helping children to understand your experience with cancer needs sensitivity and a good sense of timing. Your children may go through some of the feelings that you may have, such as disbelief, anger, uncertainty, hope, fear and acceptance. They may have special needs because of their ages, and these may change at different stages of your illness.

Fives and under Back to top

• The youngest children fear separation, strangers and being left alone. If you are in hospital, arrange for a familiar person to stay with them. Talk to them and assure them you are coming home from hospital soon and that you think of them when you are apart. If they come to visit you, suggest they bring a well-loved toy with them. You can give them something special (such as a toy or a blanket) that they can keep with them when they are at home, to remind them that you are thinking of them and that you care about them.

• Young children often feel they have magical powers and that what they wish will come true. They may feel guilty that a parent is ill, or that they have had bad thoughts about a parent. Assure them that nothing they have done, said or thought could have caused your illness. They may also worry that they too will get cancer, and it is helpful to let them know that cancer is not 'catching'.

Ages 6-11 Back to top

• Children between six and eleven may be very concerned about a parent's health. It is important not to put pressure on them or worry them with details.

• Many children of this age have a basic knowledge of body parts and their functions, and can understand simple explanations about the cancer and its effects on the body.

• Children may show their worry or concern through disturbances in eating, sleeping, schoolwork or friendships. Children at any age may start behaving like younger children. Sometimes it is just their way of saying 'I'm here too'.

• Let the children's teachers and school nurse know about your condition, as their suggestions and understanding will help if there are any problems. You could also ask your child if there is anyone they would like you to tell about the cancer, such as their brownie or cub scout leader or their friends' parents.

Teenagers Back to top

• Teenagers can have an especially hard time – adolescence is not an easy phase in any case. Their emotions are sometimes complicated and troublesome. They may find it hard to talk to you or to show you how they feel, and at times their behaviour may be difficult for everyone to deal with.

• At a time when they are probably struggling to be grown-up they may feel that it will be seen as childish to show their emotions or to ask for help. They may stop talking to you because they are trying to appear strong for you, or are worried that they will be misunderstood.

• It may help to reassure them that talking about their feelings and worries is a positive way of coping and is how adults often deal with stressful situations. If they are finding it hard to talk to you, encourage them to talk to someone close who can support them, such as a relative or family friend.

• Your illness may mean that they are asked to take on more responsibility than they had before. This can be a positive experience for them if they feel that their efforts are helpful and recognised. However, difficulties can arise if they feel over-burdened with responsibility to the point of not having their own needs met. Teenagers need to be included and consulted as adults, but will continue to need guidance, support and reassurance.

• Boys may have difficulty dealing with women's cancers due to self-consciousness around the time of puberty, and girls may worry that they will develop the same type of cancer.

• Girls may have difficulty dealing with men’s cancers, such as prostate, testicular or penile cancer. Boys may worry that they may develop the same type of cancer.

• Keeping to any rules that you had before your illness is also important. Teenagers need to know that a normal life matters even more than before.