Supporting my partner with cancer

You may find your relationship changes because of the cancer. This may not happen straight away, but it can happen over time. Illness can add a lot of pressure to a relationship. It changes your lives and your plans.

Lots of couples feel more stressed than usual when one person has cancer. You may be coping with:

• difficult feelings
• changes in your roles
• making decisions
• deciding what to tell other people, including any children
• changes in your sex life
• worries about money or work.

Your partner might seem different. This could be because they are very stressed, in pain or tired. You might find you argue more because of the emotions you are both feeling.

You may feel closer and that you love each other more. But not all relationships become stronger. Cancer sometimes causes relationship problems or makes existing problems worse. A cancer diagnosis may show your relationship is not as strong as you thought.

If you have found it hard to talk through problems together in the past, you may find it harder to support each other through cancer. Organisations like Relate can help you with this.

We also have a video about the impact cancer can have on a relationship.

Try to be yourself and live as normally as possible. Behaving differently may make your partner feel more aware of the cancer.

It can help to ask your partner what support they would like and find useful. This makes sure you help where it is most wanted and needed. It can also help you avoid misunderstandings.

Let your partner know that you are there to help, but they are still in control. Make a point of asking whether they need you to do something. Let them take as much responsibility as they can for:

• their own care
• family issues
• finances
• other decisions.

Cancer and its treatment may affect sex between you and your partner. But it does not have to mean you stop having sex or being intimate. Many people with cancer still have sexual feelings and enjoy their sex life.

Your sex life can be affected by different things:

• During treatment - if your partner is having treatment, you may both be tired or stressed. You might be focused on getting through the treatment. This can mean sex and being intimate feel less important. But for some people, sex becomes more important.
• Lack of desire - changes in your partner or in your relationship can affect their or your desire for sex. Some people find it difficult to be a carer for their partner and still think about them sexually.
• Physical changes - your partner may have physical effects of cancer or its treatment. For example, if your partner has had surgery or is in pain, you may worry about hurting them during sex.
• Emotional changes - you or your partner may have emotional changes, such as depression or anxiety. You may feel guilty for wanting to have sex when your partner is not well.
• Fears and worries - fears about cancer might put you off having sex. But cancer cannot be passed to another person through sex. And having sex will not affect how well a cancer treatment works.

Some cancer treatments may directly affect the ability to have sex or orgasms. This can happen if a treatment affects the sex organs or their nerves and blood vessels. It can also happen if your partner has a treatment that affects the balance of sex hormones in their body.

Treatments that may have this effect include:

• hormonal therapy
• radiotherapy or surgery to the area between the hips (pelvis).

There are different things you and your partner could do to help with your sex life:

• Talk to your partner - tell them what you would like and ask them to tell you what they would like. This can help you feel closer. Ask your partner if there is anything they are worried about, or do not want to do.
• Talk to professionals - if cancer treatment has caused sexual difficulties for your partner, encourage them to tell their doctor or specialist nurse. They may be able to suggest or prescribe things that can help. Sex therapists can also help individuals or couples who have sexual difficulties.
• Make time for yourself and your partner - spending time together doing things you both enjoy can make your relationship stronger. It can also encourage intimacy.
• Try different ways of being physical - if touch is important to you, use it to show how you feel about each other. Holding each other close or using massage are ways of physically showing your love. If there are things your partner cannot do or no longer enjoys, you may want to experiment sexually. You may find new ways to give and receive sexual pleasure.
• Help your partner feel more confident - they may feel self-conscious about how they look. Talking with them about this, and about how you feel about the way they look, may help them feel more confident. Encourage them to focus on the parts of their body they like. Having sex while partly dressed or keeping the lighting low may help.

There are organisations that can help couples who are having problems with their sex life. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists have a list of professional therapists on their website.

It is important to remember that no one is to blame. Although it can be difficult to talk about at first, most people find it helpful to get some advice and support.

When your partner has cancer, you may worry about lots of things. If you or your partner identify as LGBT+, you may have extra concerns.

The cancer may make your relationship public for the first time. This may be when you and your partner go to hospital appointments, or when you are talking to their healthcare team.

You might be worried that professionals will assume you are a same-sex couple or will not recognise you as a couple. It can be hard to know how to deal with this.

If you are a same-sex couple, it might help for your partner to tell their doctor or specialist nurse about their sexuality. This may make it easier for you to go to appointments with them. You may both feel more supported if other people know about your relationship.

If your partner is trans, the cancer might bring up issues about a gender they do not identify as. This can be very difficult for your partner and you to cope with. Talking to their doctor or specialist nurse about this can help.

When someone has cancer, it affects everyone close to them. Your partner’s family will also be coping with different emotions. If there are already relationship problems, feelings of anxiety, anger and sadness can make them worse. There may be disagreements about who should be the main support or carer for the person with cancer. Or you may find the cancer brings you all closer together.

If you or your partner are not getting the support you need, it is important to remember that the law protects you. You should not be treated any differently because of how you identify.

Sometimes talking about these issues can help you cope:

• Organisations like the LGBT Foundation and Stonewall can offer support.
• You can call us on 0808 808 00 00. Our cancer support specialists are experts in supporting anyone who is affected by cancer.
• You could talk to people in the group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people on our Online Community.