Talking to your partner, family and friends about sex and fertility

Our sex lives are usually private and not often discussed with many people.

Some teenagers and young adults find it easy to talk to their parents, friends, girlfriends or boyfriends about sex, but many don’t.

Parents also differ in the way they talk to their children about having families of their own. In many families it’s made clear to children as they grow up that the choice about whether or not to start a family is theirs. However, in some families and communities, there may be an expectation or assumption that everyone will have children.

Many people aren’t aware that cancer and its treatment| can sometimes affect you sexually or affect your fertility. People around you can sometimes be insensitive without realising it. Even people who do understand can find it difficult to talk about the issue. This may be because they don’t know what to say, because they feel powerless to make it better, or because they want to believe that everything is fine.  

It can sometimes be difficult to talk in-depth with people close to you, especially if you find that they get easily upset.

Some families and communities don’t accept the use of medical assistance in getting pregnant - for example, some religions don’t approve of certain fertility treatments. This can be difficult to cope with if you would like to consider fertility treatment but worry that it might be disapproved of.

Who to talk to Back to top

It’s important to find someone that you feel comfortable talking to - your partner (if you have one), a family member, a friend, or a professional.

If you have someone in mind to talk to, you could:

• ask them directly
• write them a letter or a note
• email them
• phone them.

If you talk to a family member, friend or partner, remember that when people feel embarrassed or uncomfortable they can sometimes seem insensitive. It can help to give them some warning that you’d like to talk about something private that’s important to you.

Boyfriends and girlfriends  Back to top

If you have a partner, it’s important to talk to them about how you feel about the cancer and its impact on your sex life. This will vary from person to person. Living with cancer doesn’t automatically stop your sex life, and it can be reassuring that parts of your life aren’t changed by the fact that you have cancer.

If you were already having sex with your partner before your cancer diagnosis, you may have noticed that one of you was more interested in sex than the other. Cancer can exaggerate these differences. If one person has a change in their level of desire, or difficulties due to physical or emotional changes, this may be especially upsetting when there’s the added complication of cancer.  

New relationships Back to top

Some people find it difficult to get started with new relationships after being diagnosed with cancer - especially with someone they didn’t know before their diagnosis. You may feel unsure about what to tell a new partner about your cancer, if anything at all. If your fertility might be affected, you may worry that they won’t be interested in you if you can’t have children.

You may also worry about choosing the right time to tell them. Some people prefer to tell everyone straight away, while others prefer to wait. There’s no right or wrong, but it can be difficult to decide how to handle it. It can help to talk it through with someone, such as a family member, friend or a professional.

Friends Back to top

You may find that it’s more difficult to talk with your friends about relationships and sex than it was before you had cancer. Teenagers and young adults often talk with their friends more than their parents about these things. However, after a cancer diagnosis you may feel that your friends don’t understand what it’s like for you. You may feel left out or isolated.

Sometimes it can help to explain to one or two friends what it’s like for you. You can ask them to help you work out how to manage when these conversations come up. You might also find it helpful to talk to other young people who have had cancer. You could visit our online community, which is a social networking site where you can talk to other people affected by cancer in chat rooms, make friends and join support groups. In our online community we have a group specificall for people who are 16 - 24 and living with cancer|.