Managing reactions to changes in appearance
People may react differently to changes in your appearance after cancer treatment. There are ways you can respond to this.
How people might react
If you have visible changes to your appearance, you may worry about how other people will react.
You may find that some people look at you for longer. This is usually because they are curious, not because they want to upset you.
Sometimes people may make insensitive remarks or unwelcome suggestions. Children can be curious and may directly ask about your appearance. But you will probably find that most people take much less notice than you expected.
Learning how to cope with social situations in advance can build your confidence. This will help you gradually get back to things you did before, such as work, sports or hobbies.
It is important to remember that how your body looks does not define you. You are more than your scars.
Managing other people's reactions
Being assertive
Assertiveness means facing situations that worry you with confidence instead of avoiding them. Learning to be assertive can help you communicate better with other people. It means giving your point of view, being able to ask for help and knowing you have the right to:
- be treated with respect
- say what you need
- make a request
- be honest.
Responding to awkward questions
Being assertive can help you to manage situations where people ask questions.
People may want to ask questions to see how you are, or to understand what has happened. It can help to think about the questions they may ask you. You cannot know exactly how a conversation will go. Try to think about what you want to say and the best way of saying it. You could rehearse this with a friend or by yourself.
What you tell other people depends on:
- how much you want to say
- how you feel about the changes to your body
- your relationship with the other person
- where you are and whether other people are around.
You can think of different responses to help you prepare. You might want to talk about the subject yourself at the right time in a conversation. This can help you feel more in control.
Or you could say you do not want to talk about it. You could smile and reassure them you are fine – even if you do not feel like it. Most people ask questions because they are concerned, so this is a good way of stopping the conversation without causing tension.
You could give a short response and distract the person by asking them a question or changing the subject. This can sometimes be helpful when answering questions from children.
Keep what you want to say clear and to the point. You do not need to give long explanations. Look at the other person, stand or sit upright and keep a calm tone of voice.
Using social skills
Social skills can help you take control of difficult situations and deal with other people’s reactions. If you are feeling anxious or low, it can be hard to appear confident and sociable. Practising something that makes you nervous until you are used to it can help you overcome anxiety.
Try these approaches:
- Engaging with people – making eye contact, smiling and nodding tells people you are approachable.
- Posture – standing with your shoulders back and head up makes you look confident and assertive, even if you do not feel that way.
- Presentation – the way you present yourself shows other people how you feel about yourself. Try wearing clothes and accessories that make you feel more confident and comfortable in yourself.
These skills are not difficult to learn, but you may need to practise them. They can gradually help you become more confident in managing social situations.
Responding to staring or negative comments
If someone is staring at you, it can feel uncomfortable or upsetting. They are more likely to be staring because they are curious than because of any negative feelings towards you. They may not even be aware they are staring.
It is okay to let them know that you are aware of it and want it to stop. Try these approaches. If one approach does not work, move on to the next:
- Look back, smile at them or nod – most people smile back and look away.
- If it continues, maintain eye contact. For example, try raising your eyebrows or giving an assertive look or nod to help them to realise.
- Ask a direct question – for example, ‘Can I help you?’ This usually makes them aware of what they are doing and makes them stop staring.
- Tell them in a simple, assertive way that you would like it to stop. You could say something like ‘Can you please stop staring at me? It’s only a scar.’
If you are in a situation where you cannot leave and do not want to draw attention, distract yourself by reading a book or newspaper. Holding it up in front of you can help stop the staring. Children sometimes ask blunt questions out of curiosity. Try giving them a simple explanation they can understand. This is usually all you need to do.
Changing Faces supports anyone with a visible difference in their appearance, including people who have experienced changes to their body due to cancer and its treatment. It has some more useful tools and tips to help you cope with other people’s reactions.
About our information
This information has been written, revised and edited by Macmillan Cancer Support’s Cancer Information Development team. It has been reviewed by expert medical and health professionals and people living with cancer.
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References
Below is a sample of the sources used in our information about body image and cancer. If you would like more information about the sources we use, please contact us at informationproductionteam@macmillan.org.uk
Asfour L, Montgomery K, Solomon E, Harries M. PS08: The psychological impact of hair loss and the role of psychological interventions. British Journal of Dermatology. 2021; 185(S1): 172–173. Available from: www.doi.org/10.1111/bjd.20356 [accessed September 2023].
Brook I. Early side effects of radiation treatment for head and neck cancer. Cancer/Radiothérapie. 2021; 25(5): 507–513. Available from: www.doi.org/10.1016/j.canrad.2021.02.001 [accessed October 2023].
Elad S, Cheng KKF, Lalla RV, Yarom N, Hong C, Logan RM, et al. MASCC/ISOO clinical practice guidelines for the management of mucositis secondary to cancer therapy. Cancer. 2020; 126(19): 4423–4431. Available from: www.doi.org/10.1002/cncr.33100 [accessed September 2023].
Riopel L. Goal setting in counseling and therapy (incl. examples). PositivePsychology.com. 2019. Available from: www.positivepsychology.com/goal-setting-counseling-therapy [accessed October 2023].
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