I had been in remission for a week... the words that I had waited to hear for so long had been said and at the time when hearing them I was beyond elation. My family and friends were ecstatic too, the worry that they had tried to hide from me now faded and we all hoped our lives would return to some kind of normality.
So, now, seven days later, why did I feel so empty, why did I feel confused and uncertain of my future?
The rain pouring down outside echoed the tears I wished I could cry, yet I didn't understand why I felt like crying or indeed what was the source of my dark mood that wouldn't lift. My husband and family were carrying on as normal, I heard them chattering away downstairs, how wonderful to see them enjoying life and hear them laughing freely now the weight of worrying about my illness, for at least now, had been lifted from their previously heavy hearts. How could I tell them how I was feeling? It would be so selfish to burden them again.
I didn't even understand myself what was going on in my head. I remembered the Macmillan helpline and I went upstairs to the privacy of my bedroom and rang the number – a bit nervously as I didn't quite know what I was going to say, only to be able share with someone how desperate I was feeling at that moment in time. Immediately a warm and friendly voice greeted me and I soon found myself explaining how I was feeling. She listened to me, let me speak.
I felt if I wanted to talk for three days she would have let me. She understood, I was not alone or unique feeling this way... that made me feel better and my mood began to lift immediately. To know I had an independent non-judgemental support on hand for me any time I needed it was a pivotal part of my healing process – it is often difficult or impossible to talk to the people closest to you in these situations.