You, your partner and the emotional effects of cancer

If you are diagnosed with cancer it is very normal to have many different feelings, but there are ways to manage these emotions that can help.

Your feelings Back To Top

A diagnosis of cancer often means we experience a broad range of emotions. These may include shock, anxiety|, sadness|, relief, guilt, uncertainty|, anger| and – for some people – depression|. You may have different feelings to your partner, or feel things at different times. You may both experience any of the following emotions at different times.

You might feel numb (a natural effect of shock) and unable to believe what is happening. You may be anxious about the future, the treatment, and how you are going to cope. You may deny what is happening and just want to carry on as normal. When cancer is diagnosed, it can take away your sense of security and control. Uncertainty can be one of the most difficult things to deal with and can cause a lot of tension between you and your partner.

You may find that you feel irritable or angry. Anger can hide other feelings, such as fear or sadness. Often people direct their anger at their partner, as they are close to them.

You or your partner may feel resentful at the changes that the cancer has made to your lives. It usually helps to talk about these feelings rather than keeping them to yourself.

A person with cancer may feel guilty about the changes their illness has brought. A partner may feel guilty about not being able to manage, or about feeling resentful and angry, even when they know it’s not anyone’s fault. You may feel guilty about not managing the changes that the diagnosis and treatment has on you and your family.

Some people cope with serious illness by carrying on as if nothing has happened. This may give some 'breathing space' but can also mean that symptoms go untreated if the denial continues. You may find that your partner is denying the illness. They may appear to ignore the fact that one of you has cancer, perhaps by playing down anxieties and symptoms or deliberately changing the subject.

There may be times when you or your partner want to be left alone to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

What can help Back To Top

There are many things you can do which will help you to feel better.

• Try not to bottle things up. Acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. Talking through your feelings with your partner can be very helpful. However, sometimes it can be difficult to talk with your partner as you may both be too upset. In this case you could ask your GP to put you in touch with a counsellor or contact a counselling organisation.
• Sometimes you may feel as if it’s all getting too much for you, and you need to let off steam. You could try thumping a cushion or pillow, turning the radio or CD player up very loud, or even screaming. Having a good cry can also help to release emotions. None of these will do anyone any harm and they may leave you feeling much better.
• Some people find that it helps to write down how they feel. Keeping a journal may be a way of allowing you to express your fears and worries, without having to talk them through.
• Regular exercise releases chemicals in the body which help you feel better. Even just going for a walk each day will help.
• Other things which may help include using complementary therapies alongside your cancer treatment (always check first with your doctor), or joining a support group.
• If you or your partner find that your feelings and emotions are overwhelming and are stopping you from being able to carry on normally with your life, or if you are becoming depressed, then it may be time to seek professional help. There are different types of professional help and therapy available. These include your GP, counsellors, psychotherapists, group therapy and psychiatrists.

You are both likely to find your own best way of dealing with your emotions. It’s important to remember that all feelings and thoughts pass, and you will feel better at some time in the future. Often partners try to protect each other by not being completely open about their fears and concerns. Bringing things into the open can help you to understand each other and may bring you closer together.