Sharing experiences with children, good and bad

Time together - in hospital and at home

In hospital

You may be worried that seeing you in hospital will be too stressful for your children, but being separated from you may cause them more anxiety. Ask your children if they’d like to visit you and go with what they want. At first it may be easier for them to see you in a visitor’s/day room or there may be a canteen/café you can take them to.

You’ll need to be aware of what your child may see in hospital, especially if there are very unwell people being cared for nearby. For younger children, keep visits fairly brief (up to 15 minutes) and remember that older children may want some time alone with you.

Here are some other ideas for how you can best prepare your children for a hospital visit:

• Make sure they’re prepared for what they’re likely to see and explain things to them - for example, tell them what a drip is, what it looks like and what it’s for.
• Tell them about the different people who are there to help you.
• Show them things like the call button, so they feel more secure about you being looked after.
• Encourage them to take along a book, toy, colouring book and pencils.
• Have snacks and things you can do together, such as playing cards or word games.
• If they’re overwhelmed or tired, ask the adult who’s with them to take them home.

Keeping in touch with your children while you’re in hospital is also important:

• Have a regular time to call home or when they can call or text you.
• Make sure they have a photo of you while you're away.
• Leave notes or a small gift for them to find when you’re in hospital.
• Send them a card or letter, leave them a voicemail or send them an email (depending on the hospital’s facilities).
• Read a story with them over the phone.
• Ask them to send you a drawing they’ve done.

At home

Here are some ideas for things you can do together when you don’t have a lot of energy but want to spend time with your children. You can: 

• Watch TV/DVDs together.
• Read and write stories together - writing a story about you becoming ill can help your children express their feelings.
• Play cards or board games.
• Listen to music together.
• Use art materials and things like Plasticine® or Play-Doh® together. Drawing pictures about family life can help children express their feelings.
• Allow them to help out by bringing you a drink or a book, or by tidying their toys away.

After treatment

After treatment your children may expect things to get back to normal and find it difficult to understand why that’s not always simple.

You’ll probably feel very tired and may still be coping with side effects|. It’s also not uncommon to feel anxious and isolated, and miss the support you had during treatment. This is normal and it takes time for everyone to adjust to life after treatment|.

It’s a good idea to prepare your children that it’s going to take time, possibly months, to get your energy back. Be positive about the things that you can do now that treatment is over. Tell them about new changes to family life and routines - for example, if you’ll be picking them up from school or if you won’t be going back to work for a few months. 

Tell them that you’re still getting support from the hospital, from a support group or online. Get them involved in things you’re doing to help your recovery, such as:

• taking some exercise like short walks to help to build up your energy levels
• eating well - tell them about foods that are healthy to eat and encourage them to try them
• making sure you all get enough sleep - explain how important this is for your recovery and for their growth
• asking them to carry on helping around the house.

Keep being open with your children. Let them know you’re still there to listen to them and that they can talk to you about their worries. They may be worrying about you staying well, and younger children will probably still be clingy. Explain that you’ll be going to the hospital for check-ups to make sure you’re well. They’ll need to know that you can still get everyday illnesses like colds, but that this doesn’t mean the cancer has come back.

Acknowledge that you’ve all been through something difficult together and how they’ve helped you to get better. This can be particularly important for teenagers. Things usually gradually get back to normal as everyday life takes over from the cancer.  

Despite all the difficulties, cancer may bring some positive things to your family life. Being open and honest with your children can make you feel closer. You can feel proud of how your children have learned to cope when life doesn’t go to plan. They may be more responsible, independent and more sensitive to other people’s needs in the future.