Sharing experiences with children, good and bad

However long you may have to live, time with your children is very precious. It may be difficult to enjoy quality time with them when you are feeling the effects of cancer or its treatments. Some of these suggestions may help.

Being together

Plan for laughter. Laughter is good medicine for all of you. You are still going to have fun together. You may enjoy each other even more.

If you need to, think of things to do together that do not need much energy – read, watch TV or videos/DVDs together, write a story about your family and share it with them. Have plasticine or play dough and other creative materials to use to work out some frustrations that you and the children share. Reassure the children that life will go on for them once you are gone.

In hospital

If you are in hospital, children can:

• Visit you in the room, or in a day room. Ask the ward staff about any other facilities, eg use of the canteen.
• Call you on the phone.
• Share tape-recorded messages with you.
• Swap pictures or photographs with you.
• Exchange presents. You can pack small gifts to give children when they visit you.
• Children may be interested in all the mechanics of a hospital. Explain how the bed works, the call button, meal service and all the different people who are there to help you. Explain procedures if your child shows interest or concern, or if you think it will help them to feel more comfortable and secure about you staying in the hospital.

At home

• When you are at home, even a small child can be involved in bringing you your meals, or the paper or books to read. Do as much as you can yourself so that the children do not begin to resent running your errands. Allow them to have enough free time for themselves.
• Read a book together about the body. Point out where the cancer is and what is happening physically.
• With younger children, use role-play. Act out what is happening to you by using a doll. Use other dolls for other members of your family. Children often express what they are really feeling in their play. Listen carefully to them.
• Encourage your children to draw pictures about the experience of having an ill parent. This is also a good way to express emotions. Write a story together about 'When I became ill'.
• Select stories about other people who have had cancer and read them with your children.
• Get together with other parents and families who are coping with cancer. Arrange for your children to meet other cancer survivors.
• Share poems and songs that mean a lot to you with your children.
• Make up or find a slogan to help all of you. Make posters, mobiles or badges using the slogan for inspiration.

Benefits of sharing

You can make a difference by how you choose to respond to your cancer. Despite all the difficulties, your situation may introduce positive things that can lead to benefits in the future.

• You may be spending more time with your children and actually feel closer to them. Sharing emotions can really strengthen the bond between parents and children.
• Children can grow in their ability to face other difficult experiences in life. They can grow in independence and self-confidence. They may become more responsible. They may become more sensitive to the needs of others and more able to understand and love another person.
• Cancer can bring out the best in people. You can take pride in your children's ability to deal with problems and find new solutions.

Your whole family may discover reserves of love and inner strength that will enhance the rest of your life together.