Talking to children and considering their feelings

If you never show how you feel, the chances are your children won't either. Trying to hide strong feelings can be very difficult and may cause even more problems. Covering up strong emotions can mean that the emotions build up. A child can become frightened of his or her own feelings instead of accepting them as normal.

You are likely to be very sad about what has happened. Don't be afraid to express it. If you can let the sadness out and cry together, the tension is likely to ease and this can be very supportive for everyone.

Children may feel other things

• Some children will feel sorry for themselves when a parent is ill, then feel guilty because they think they should feel sorry for the parent.
• Some children will try to make up for these guilt feelings by being especially good and setting impossibly high standards for themselves.
• Some children will cling to you too much, afraid that something will happen if they are not there.
• Some children will withdraw from you, unconsciously trying to become more independent in case something else happens to you.
• Some children will resent the fact that they need to help you when the opposite was true before.
• Some children will laugh and behave badly to cover up their real feelings or their lack of understanding (especially in awkward situations).
• Some children will pretend to be ill to get attention or because they want to be with a parent. They might make a big fuss about a minor illness.
• Some children may be afraid that they will get cancer too.
• Some children will have physical effects such as loss of appetite, stomach ache or stress-related headaches.
• Other children may show their distress in other ways such as lack of concentration, sleeplessness, bedwetting or babyish behaviour.

These things will pass with time, but let your children know that you understand and accept them as they are.