Your feelings

‘When I heard that word "cancer", my mind went completely blank. I don’t think I heard a single word the doctor said after that.’

You may experience a number of different emotions, such as shock and disbelief. You may also feel numb and find you’re unable to take in what is said, or feel as though it’s all happening to someone else.

Shock Back to top

Most people are not at all prepared for being told they have cancer, even if they had thought they may have it. Often the immediate reaction to being told is shock. There are many thoughts and feelings that may go through your head at the time, such as:

• the thought that cancer is a very serious disease
• the fear that you may die
• the feeling of your body being out of control
• not knowing what to expect
• the possibility of unpleasant treatment
• the fear of being in pain
• feeling useless, both physically and/or emotionally
• the fear of losing control of some parts of your life
• concern for people who normally depend on you, such as children
• the fear of being a burden to your family
• the possibility of losing the ability to work and earn money
• the worry about what other people will think of you.

Each person’s reaction will vary. You may find that you can only take in a small amount of information and you need to ask the same questions, or be told the same information, again and again. This need for repetition is a common reaction to shock.

Denial Back to top

Many people find it difficult to believe they have cancer. Some wish to shut out the news and pretend that it’s not happening. This feeling of denial can help people to deal with threatening or overwhelming news when they first hear it. It’s a normal reaction to distressing or difficult situations.

Denial and avoidance can be a useful way of handling the news of cancer but sometimes it can stop people from doing things they need to do, like going for treatment or sorting out their finances. It can also cause problems if relatives need to discuss particular issues and the person doesn’t accept they have cancer.

Denial can become a problem if it goes on for many weeks or months, or makes it impossible for the person with cancer and those around them to talk. But if you feel that you’re in denial, or if someone close points it out to you, don’t blame yourself or feel that you must hurry to overcome it.

You may find that your shock, disbelief and denial make it difficult for you to talk about your situation. These are natural reactions to a cancer diagnosis and we discuss them, and other emotions, in our section about the emotional effects of cancer|.

Natural shyness Back to top

Some people are not used to talking about themselves or about very personal and intimate issues. If this describes you, then you may find it difficult to talk about your feelings at a time when it could really help you.

Many people don’t like talking about their own needs because they don’t want to seem pushy, needy, demanding or attention seeking. However, there will often be friends and relatives who really want to help. So if you can start a conversation with them and say what you need, even if you just want them to listen to you, you may be surprised at how willing they are to support you. By asking for someone else’s support, it shows that we value them.

If you find it difficult to talk about your feelings with the people close to you, you may find it helpful to contact a support organisation| who you can talk things through with you in confidence. You can also talk to us|.

Loss of control Back to top

Many people are concerned about losing control of their feelings. You may be unsure about how you will react when you talk to other people - you may fear that your crying will distress the people you love or you may be afraid that you will cry and not be able to stop. Wanting to stay strong and believing that it’s not good to cry can make it harder when you talk to other people. If you’re dealing with something as difficult as cancer, it’s natural to need to cry and it’s fine if you do. Sometimes the other person may also get upset and cry with you. Often, it’s because they care so much about you. Crying together can give both of you a real sense of relief and bring you closer together.

People react differently to similar situations. Some may not cry because they find it difficult to believe they’ve got cancer. Just as it’s fine for someone to cry, it’s also fine if they don’t.