Talking to children

It is always painful to explain difficult or frightening facts to a child. We have a section called talking to children about cancer|, which you may find helpful.

Talking with children about your cancer can be especially difficult. However, children can cope better with a parent’s cancer if they are told what is going on in a way that they are able to understand.

The following tips may help you:

• Ask yourself if you would like some help with this issue  Very often, a nurse or social worker can be with you to help with difficult discussions. They can answer questions about the treatment or side effects. It is worth asking whether there is a doctor, nurse, therapist or social worker who can help you.
• Give information at the level of the child’s understanding – not their age  Children differ a lot in what they can understand. Some five-year-olds can understand things that some ten-year-olds cannot. So, as you are speaking, it is important to check what the child understands. Then, you can change what you say, if necessary.
• Be prepared to repeat the information  Children may ask for important information to be repeated – perhaps many times. If the subject is painful to you, then you may be tempted to stop the conversation (‘I’ve answered that three times already – that’s enough now!’) But when children ask for repetition, it’s not because they are stupid or trying to hurt you, they simply need to hear the information again. So try and be patient. Repeat the information, but be sure that you are saying the same things as you did before.
• Be aware of what is known as ‘magical thinking’  Children can feel very guilty when things go wrong around them – they often feel that in some way, they are to blame for the situation (‘If I’d tidied my room up like mum told me, she wouldn’t be ill now.’) Because of that, it is important to be sure that the child understands the situation is not their fault. It can be good to include this in an overall statement such as ‘This is just one of those bad things that happen occasionally. It is not your fault – it’s just very bad luck.’