Caring and cancer

This section provides information and support for you if you are a carer who has been diagnosed with cancer yourself, or you are a carer for someone with cancer.

If you are a carer with cancer

As we get older, it becomes more likely that we will be responsible for caring for a partner, relative or friend who is disabled or ill. If you are a carer and you are diagnosed with cancer yourself, this may seem like an impossible situation. You will need time to think through how you are going to continue to cope with caring for someone else while you are ill, and possibly having treatment.

You need to understand exactly what treatment you need for your cancer, and how this will affect your health and ability to care for someone else in the short and long term. You also need to know when treatment can start and how long it will take. This information can help you to decide whether you can continue in your role of carer with help and support, or whether other arrangements will need to be made for the person you care for.

If the person you are caring for has physical disabilities and is mentally alert, then you need to sit down with them and talk through how you are both going to cope. If the person you care for is confused or unable to understand your illness fully, it is important that you find someone else (either a close friend or a member of the team caring for you) to talk things through with.

Although this may seem a major upheaval for both of you, the opportunity to rest and relax and regain your strength after treatment may be welcome after years of caring. The person you care for may come to value your care more in the future, after a period of change.

Tackle things in simple steps

• Decide whether you can involve the person you care for in the discussions and planning. If not, find a trusted close friend or family member and use them as a 'sounding board' to talk things through.
• Take a realistic look at the needs of the person you care for. Would they be able to cope at home temporarily without your support? What do you have to do each day? What can be delegated to others? Who can help out? Are there services in place, such as paid carers or sitters, who could temporarily do more?
• Talk through your caring responsibilities and your planned treatment with one of your medical and nursing team. Ask how soon you will be able to go back to your caring role. Talk to your GP, Health Visitor or Social Services about what is happening and find out how soon additional help or residential care could be available.
• Once the arrangements are in place, talk again to your cancer team and give them the go-ahead for your treatment to begin.
• It can be helpful to have a few restful days before your operation,or the start of your treatment, when you do not have to do your caring duties. This will give you the chance to build up your strength, catch up on much-needed rest and get yourself organised.

If the person you care for has not been involved in your plans, you will need to decide when to share the necessary changes with them. This can be a difficult conversation. Change may be difficult for you both, but it can help to stress that the changes are temporary. Do not feel that you are to blame, and try not to feel guilty about the changes that you are forced to make at this time.

Your cancer treatment must be your number one priority for a short time, and you need to concentrate on getting well again, without wasting energy on feeling guilty or distressed.

Caring for someone with cancer

While this section is written for the person who has cancer, this bit is aimed specifically at you, if you are their carer. However, you may like to read this section together so that you can have an open and honest discussion about the information.

As a carer for someone with cancer, you have an extremely important role in helping to maintain their quality of life as you support them through this difficult time. There is no one right way to deal with living with cancer. You can only do what is right for you. In the same way, there are no magic phrases, or approaches, which are the correct thing to say, or do, in all circumstances when dealing with a partner, relative or close friend who has cancer. Indeed, in this situation, the important thing is not what you say – but rather how you listen.

Taking care of yourself

Caring can be very hard work, both physically and emotionally. If you have been caring for your partner, relative or friend for some time, you may already be completely drained. It can be easy to carry on, ignoring how exhausted you are, because you feel that only you can do what needs to be done. Asking for help can be difficult and may seem disloyal. You may have to teach yourself to say yes to offers of help with shopping or cleaning, so that you can free up time and energy to do the personal things that only you can do.

You can get equipment and appliances that may make it easier for both of you to cope at home.

If you are at home looking after someone full-time, you may not have much chance to go out or spend time with friends. It may seem easier to stay in all the time, especially if the person you are caring for is very ill and needs a lot of attention. However, it is very important to maintain contact with friends and make the effort to get out alone regularly.

If you take good care of yourself it will help to keep your strength and spirits up. If you don’t want to take a break, then you can at least give yourself little treats such as:

• finding time to sit down with a cup of tea
• ensuring you have peace to watch your favourite TV programme
• having an early night with a good book.