Facing an uncertain future

'I still have not given up hope – my days are still bearable and I have survived to see my daughter marry. I only expected to see my son reach primary school, and now he is in his second year at comprehensive.'

One of the first questions anyone diagnosed with cancer is likely to have in their mind is ‘Am I going to die?’ This fear can become more intense if you are told that your cancer has spread or come back. For some people, cancer can become like any other chronic illness – something which causes problems from time to time, but which can be controlled. You may be able to lead a nearly normal life, even if the cancer is not curable.

Sometimes, though, the cancer develops and there may come a time when you realise that you will not recover. You may have decided that you do not want further treatment. Once again, emotions like fear, anger, guilt, sadness and disbelief may feel overwhelming. You may find that your mood swings between hope and despair.

There is no right or wrong way to face this situation. Each person has to try to deal with this uncertainty in their own way and at their own pace. Many people find a sense of peace and appear to be ready to ‘let go’ when the time comes.

People who are seriously ill, and the people close to them, will sometimes find themselves at a loss for words. But often simply being together is enough. A loving look, a hug or a squeeze of the hand can make words unnecessary. Tears are also very natural: you don’t have to put on a brave face. If you try to hide your feelings, you and the people you love may not get the chance to say what is in your hearts.

You may find that your need for company and activity varies from day to day. Some people find they gradually need fewer people around them. As their energy fades, they may want to see only their closest friends, or their partner.

Some people do not want to be left alone at all during this time. When the person with cancer is being looked after at home, friends and relatives may be able to work out a rota so that there is always someone there. Hospitals and hospices can often arrange for a partner, relative or friend to stay overnight, every night.

Our section, dying with cancer|, discusses what happens at the end of life and has details of the practical and emotional support available for the person who is dying and the people close to them.