How to help someone with cancer

Offer to help Back to top

It’s important to first find out whether or not your help is needed and also exactly what is wanted. If you’re the parent or partner of someone with cancer, you may not need to ask them what they need.

Once you know if your help is wanted, you can offer to help with one of the things they need. It helps to be specific, so rather than saying, ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’ you may want to ask, ‘Shall I do the shopping?’ or ‘Would you like me to pick up the children from school?’ You can also say that you’ll keep in touch to see if there are other things you can help with.

Some people find it hard to accept support even if they need it. This means that your offer may be refused. Although this may hurt your feelings, it’s worth remembering that this is not about some failing in you; it’s more about the their sense of pride and their wish to be independent.

Find out the information they need Back to top

To provide your relative or friend with the support you’ve been asked for, you may need some information about their illness. But you may only need basic information.

For example, you may need to ask:

• ‘Do you have pain that makes it harder for you to move?’
• ‘If you get breathless, which medicine should I bring you?’
• ‘If you’re going to be tired for a few weeks after your radiotherapy, would you like help with housework, childcare or gardening?’

Some people are very private and don’t want other people to know about their cancer. You may need to be very tactful in finding out what they need without talking about the actual illness. It’s natural to feel curious about a person’s illness, but it’s equally important to respect their privacy. If someone with cancer finds questions from visitors too intrusive, they may simply stop talking about anything personal.

On the other hand, your relative or friend may be open about their cancer. They may even ask you to go with them to an outpatient clinic to help them with questions they want to ask the doctor.

Assess their needs Back to top

This applies to the rest of the family as well as the person who is ill. Remember their needs will vary as the situation changes. If the person has serious physical problems, these are some questions you may ask yourself:

• Who is going to look after them during the day?
• Can they get from their bed to the toilet?
• Can they prepare their own meals?
• Do they need medicines that they can’t take themselves?
• It’s important to think of your loved one’s family members, too.
• Are there children who need to be taken to and from school?
• Is their partner medically fit or are there things that they need help with?
• Is their home suitable for looking after someone or do any changes need to be made?
• Is there equipment that could help the person to do things more easily?
• Where can they get financial help if necessary?
• Are there other people close to the person with cancer who also need support?

You can check what’s needed by going through a day in the life of your relative or friend and thinking what they might need at each stage.

Decide what you can do and want to do Back to top

Begin by considering what you’re good at. You probably have many skills that will be helpful when it comes to supporting your relative or friend.

• Can you cook for them? Taking them pre-cooked, frozen meals may be welcome.
• Can you make meals for other family members?
• Can you help around the house with cleaning or in the garden by mowing the lawn or tending to plants? If your relative or friend needs furniture rearranged (for instance, so they can sleep on the ground floor because they can’t manage the stairs), could you help them do it? If you’re unable to do so, could you find a someone else who could help out?
• Can you take the children out for the day to give the couple some time together?
• Can you babysit, so that their partner can visit them in hospital?
• Can you get relevant booklets or information for them?
• Can you find videos/CDs/DVDs that they like?
• Will there be groceries (such as bread and milk) or flowers at home when the person gets out of hospital? Something as small as this could make a big difference to them.

Even a simple gesture such as offering family members a lift to and from hospital can be helpful.

Start with small, practical things Back to top

It may help to start small and just offer one or two practical things that you know your loved one has mentioned. That way, they won’t feel embarrassed or overwhelmed by the attention.

It’s important that you only offer to do what you can manage and don’t aim to do too much. It may need a little thought and some understanding of what your relative or friend needs or likes.

If you’ve offered to cook meals, remember that people with cancer often have a small appetite|. If they don’t eat what you’ve prepared, it’s not an insult to your cooking but simply an effect of their illness. You could try asking them if there’s any particular food that they enjoy. Putting small portions on a smaller plate may help, too.

Spend time together Back to top

Time is an important gift that you can give. It can help to spend regular time with your relative or friend. Think about the time you can realistically spend with them and try to be reliable. Remember that even a short visit on a regular basis will be something they can look forward to.

Go to the clinic with them Back to top

People with cancer are often encouraged to take someone with them when they see the doctor. People often feel anxious about seeing the doctor and forget the questions they were going to ask. If they ask you to be there with them, you could offer to help them prepare for the appointment. You may find the following suggestions useful:

• Ask them to write down the questions they want to ask.
• Help them prioritise their questions so that the two or three most important questions are at the top of the list in case time with the doctor is limited.
• During the appointment, avoid speaking on behalf of your relative or friend unless they ask you to. Otherwise they may lose the thread of what they want to say.
• Listen carefully to the information and answers the doctor gives. It can be helpful to take notes or to ask the doctor if you can record the conversation so that nothing they say is missed.
• Suggest to your relative or friend that they ask the doctor for the contact details of a clinical nurse specialist (CNS) or other healthcare professional who specialises in giving information and supporting people with cancer.
• Ask if there’s any written information available to help you and your relative or friend understand more about their cancer type and its treatment.

The person may find it difficult to take in all the information they are given, especially if they’re given bad news. Sometimes the shock of this makes a person ‘freeze’, and they may be temporarily unable to talk or think clearly. This could be a good time to step in and, with their permission, ask the questions you know they wanted to ask.

Afterwards, when they’ve recovered, you can remind them of what the doctor said and discuss any choices your relative or friend may need to make about further treatment. You may also want to take some time to read through any written information you’ve been given. Remember that you can also contact our cancer support specialists| to discuss any treatment choices.

You may also find that you feel upset by the news given to your family member or friend. Supporting someone when you feel upset can be hard, so you may find it helpful to talk to one of the support organisations| to get support for yourself.

Involve other people Back to top

Like everyone else you have your limits. There’s always something more that could be done, but it’s impossible to do everything.

This is why it’s useful to involve other people where possible. For example, you could set up a rota to cook meals, drive someone to hospital or sit with someone who is seriously ill and bed-bound. You may be able to find people with skills you don’t have - for example, someone else may be able to do jobs such as gardening or DIY.